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Whoopi Goldberg and Tom Cruise Part III

WG: Okay. So. Here we are again. I am Whoopi Goldberg, and I have lost forty-three pounds. I was busting much more than a deuce. I am here with the ever-smiling Tom Cruise.

TC: Oh yeah, Whoopi. Hahahahhah. Oh yeah.

WG: Right. I haven’t flown in a very long time. I prefer to travel by bus. The Gospel of Tom Cruise moves around at a very fast pace, what kind of transportation are the jumps in The Gospel of Tom Cruise most related to?

TC: Whoopi. You know I don’t know, Whoopi.

WG: Stop saying my name, honey.

TC: I Know, I’m saying it a lot. Whoopi. It’s just fun to say. Whoopi. Whoopi. haahhahahahhaahahahhahaha. hahahhahhah.

WG: It is fun to say, Tom. Transportation?

TC: Yeah, transportation. I think the book resembles a broken teleportation machine that spits you out at many places before you get where your going. I have a teleportation machine that works, but I imagine that is what would happen if it broke. But, you know, I’m still here. I am a postcinematic writer, Whoopi. Opps. Won’t happen again. Film has taught me more about moving spatially around images. It taught me about focusing. Look, all I’m saying don’t blame me. I got kids at home. I would never show them pornography. If they are in the bathroom too long I will knock on the door, and I will say, ‘hey, are you constipated or what?’ I care, Who-ah, I care.

WG: Yeah. It makes me feel exposed in a way, like somebody has torn off my clothes.

TC: I know. I know. I mean, I’m a hugger. Look. I hug.

WG: And when you been hugged by Tom Cruise, you been HUGGED.

TC: hahhaah.

WG: Tom. There is a glow surrounding you. Where does it come from? Are you taking risks? What do you think your gospel means? Is it a release?

TC: I don’t know. If I wanted to relax I would just go for a walk. You know, it’s like help me help you. Help me help you.

WG: hahah. Show me the money, honey! ha.

TC: Were just sitting here hanging out, and you have to take it there? Anyways. So I also produced this book. It was fun working with bore parade. Did you know they have an army of invisible cats? I didn’t believe it until I saw it. But I went in there and there were all of these things floating around moving through the building. I was just like, wow.

WG: Well, that about takes us all the way through this. It has been somewhat informative.

TC: What do you mean ‘somewhat’?

WG: Oh shut up, Tom. I’m Whoopi Goldberg. Look for The Gospel of Tom Cruise, coming out on April 12th, 2008 on bore parade.

The grey person returns home to find the kitten has turned into a catperson.