Whoopi Goldberg and Tom Cruise Part III

WG: Okay. So. Here we are again. I am Whoopi Goldberg, and I have lost forty-three pounds. I was busting much more than a deuce. I am here with the ever-smiling Tom Cruise.

TC: Oh yeah, Whoopi. Hahahahhah. Oh yeah.

WG: Right. I haven’t flown in a very long time. I prefer to travel by bus. The Gospel of Tom Cruise moves around at a very fast pace, what kind of transportation are the jumps in The Gospel of Tom Cruise most related to?

TC: Whoopi. You know I don’t know, Whoopi.

WG: Stop saying my name, honey.

TC: I Know, I’m saying it a lot. Whoopi. It’s just fun to say. Whoopi. Whoopi. haahhahahahhaahahahhahaha. hahahhahhah.

WG: It is fun to say, Tom. Transportation?

TC: Yeah, transportation. I think the book resembles a broken teleportation machine that spits you out at many places before you get where your going. I have a teleportation machine that works, but I imagine that is what would happen if it broke. But, you know, I’m still here. I am a postcinematic writer, Whoopi. Opps. Won’t happen again. Film has taught me more about moving spatially around images. It taught me about focusing. Look, all I’m saying don’t blame me. I got kids at home. I would never show them pornography. If they are in the bathroom too long I will knock on the door, and I will say, ‘hey, are you constipated or what?’ I care, Who-ah, I care.

WG: Yeah. It makes me feel exposed in a way, like somebody has torn off my clothes.

TC: I know. I know. I mean, I’m a hugger. Look. I hug.

WG: And when you been hugged by Tom Cruise, you been HUGGED.

TC: hahhaah.

WG: Tom. There is a glow surrounding you. Where does it come from? Are you taking risks? What do you think your gospel means? Is it a release?

TC: I don’t know. If I wanted to relax I would just go for a walk. You know, it’s like help me help you. Help me help you.

WG: hahah. Show me the money, honey! ha.

TC: Were just sitting here hanging out, and you have to take it there? Anyways. So I also produced this book. It was fun working with bore parade. Did you know they have an army of invisible cats? I didn’t believe it until I saw it. But I went in there and there were all of these things floating around moving through the building. I was just like, wow.

WG: Well, that about takes us all the way through this. It has been somewhat informative.

TC: What do you mean ‘somewhat’?

WG: Oh shut up, Tom. I’m Whoopi Goldberg. Look for The Gospel of Tom Cruise, coming out on April 12th, 2008 on bore parade.