table of contents

Drink and You'll Feel Fucking Great




Drink and You'll Feel Fucking Great

by Joe Lindsay

Tom Cruise's first book of poems, The Gospel of Tom Cruise, available this week, on Bore Parade. And more in the works. Submit to Bore Parade!

Wolpertinger and Tom Cruise

I was in twenty states in the last eleven days. I think I saw one of these in south dakota. No, maybe it was Kanssasss.

My heart is half-elk-half-jaguar.

You remind me of a cookie that is baked onto another cookie. Two cookies combined in a bag of individual cookies.

The Hummer spins sideways in the lane, flips four times from on the road to off of the road.

I have been in contact with Tom Cruise and he has almost completed his gospel. He told me he had visions in between meetings and dinner dates and baby tending and walking into his gold plated closet to decide what to wear. I looked into it. It all checked out. Tom Cruise, I look forward to reading your gospel in a few days.

'sometimes i am a little bit happier than tao lin' now up at bore parade




I had originally written all the poems in this book, except the last one. When I went into the folder to upload the poems, I found that half had been deleted or just not saved or something. Either way I only had about twenty. I am going to rewrite the rewrite over the next few days and hopefully add them when the next book, 'the gospel of tom cruise' goes up on bore parade sometime in the next couple of weeks. Also, coming soon, from TTB the mystic man of the badlands: 'zzzzz zzz zzzz' on bore parade. bore parade fight song by kendra grant malone? bore parade. submit to bore parade.

interview with tao lin about the intern uprising, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, animals, and literary movements

Tao Lin is a writer that is probably doing something right now. I think alot of people relate to tao lin's writing because of the amount of alienation. He is a dastardly force. In my most recent exchanges with tao lin everything is deleted. As you see in this interview, tao lin answered the questions and lost the answers through a series of mistakes. But I think it is enjoyable, there is a good amount of good things in between the descriptions of what he had said in the previous answers.


MB: Recently, there was a small uprising against you. I still believe in it,
but it seems to have faded from most people's focus. I was going back
through the records of your blog, and I found a message from Kendra when you
first got your interns mentioning a possible rebellion. Eventually, Kendra
was the person to begin speaking of revolution when you started mistreating
your interns. So, Tao Lin, is there some kind of covert operation at work

TL: Kendra Grant Malone is Ulysses S. Grant's great-great-great-great-great granddaughter. I don't know if that is the correct number of greats. I don't know anything about Ulysses S. Grant. I typed different answers for this interview but when I sent them to you I forgot to attach it and I was in the library and the computers delete all their files every night or something. The original answer for this question was funnier and more interesting than this answer.

MB: And do you feel a revolt against you is needed?

TL: The original answer to this question was insightful I think. I don't
remember at all what I said. I think the answer was funny but not "just a
joke." I don't think I can recreate the answer, all I am thinking right now
is this sentence, how will I complete this sentence. I am in a different
"mood" than when I answered these questions the first time. I feel "stupid."

MB: More importantly, Tao Lin, how did you come to power and how do you feel your new book, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy will effect this earned position?

TL: I think in the original answer I talked about how a book of poetry won't make me rich and famous but maybe my next novel. My next novel will come out in 2009 maybe if I finish it. By "rich" I think I mean probably like 1/3 of the amount of money Rick Moody gets in a grant, configured to "sustain" me for one year. I feel rich already. I feel unable to not have any money for some reason. A few times when I didn't have enough money to pay rent I just did pre-orders for my next book on my blog or went on stealing rampages. By "famous" I think I mean that maybe most of the people whose art, music, and writing I like will know I exist.

MB: 'you are a little bit happier than i am' has basically two characters,
other than Chris Ringer, the 'you' and the 'i' dominate the language of the
book. Do you continue this in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?

TL: Yes. In the original answer I talked about "metaphorically" and "literally" two characters. I am glad that answer is not here anymore, I think I didn't know what I was talking about. I am glad people don't have to read that and feel confused or ignorant, thinking I know what I'm talking about. Yes, COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL THERAPY has two main characters.

MB: I read in another interview that Therapy uses more abstract terms. Do you feel that writing stories and novels has made you feel more free to abstract in your poems? How else do you feel working on all three forms at once effects you?

TL: In the original answer I typed the order I wrote the books I have published. I think I will do that now. Here is the order: 1. BED 2. EEEEE EEE EEEE 3. YOU ARE A LITTLE BIT HAPPIER THAN I AM 4. COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL THERAPY. I have gotten less abstract over time I think, if you graphed it. My next novel will be my least abstract book. In my original answer I typed about how everyone I know on the internet who writes writes in three forms. I don't know anyone whose writings I like who is my age who only writes in one form. I talked about how probably famous writers have internalized their literary agents and the important literary critics of our time. Literary agents will probably get frustrated if you are Jonathan Safran Foer and you try to publish poetry or short stories on the internet without getting paid. But then I thought about John Updike and Margaret Atwood. They both publish in all three forms.

MB: In an interview with Michael Earl Craig you list ocean sunfish, hamsters, dolphins, moose, and bears as some animals Michael Earl Craig doesn't use. Are these the animals you still use most today? How do you find new animals make their way into the common associations?

TL: In my original answer I compared different animals to different
"terrible events." If something like 9/11 happens certain writers will start
"using" 9/11. If 9/11 hasn't happened certain writers will use the holocaust or Vietnam or WWII or racism or something. To me it doesn't matter what "terrible event" is in the book. It doesn't matter what animals I use. My concerns are existential. I feel the need to put quotes around that sentence. "My concerns are existential." I choose animals because someone I know was talking about them or I saw an Ocean Sunfish on Youtube that week or something.

MB: How do you feel movements or literary groups effect the way literary writing can be marketed to a greater audience?

TL: In my original answer I typed a lot of things here. I think I said that to create a literary movement you need to be able to make generalizations and pose with certain facial expressions in a group with others in your movement wearing similar clothing in certain magazines and that you need to be able to do all of this without sarcasm or self-awareness. Something like that. I think I said that sometimes a journalist will do all that him or herself so that no one in the "movement" itself has to make generalizations and sound like an ass. I think I said I lay in bed every night praying for that to happen to me and people whose writings I like.

MB: In a wrestling promo it is the goal to convince the crowd that your opponent has no chance against you. You describe to them what will happen and how you will keep your opponent from winning. There are many styles of promos. In the 90s Mick Foley made a series of anti-hardcore promos to the hardcore-style-fans of Extreme Championship Wrestling, this was the only way Mick could think of to anger the fans and change from a good guy to a bad guy. Can you please cut a promo on anything? Me or happiness or The Golden Bear or The Industry or anyone? I would love to hear a Tao Lin Promo. You can make it about how your new book will defeat the Ultimate Warrior. Anything.

TL: I don't remember what I talked about in my original answer. I can't think of anything right now. I think everything I said in my original answers I've already said elsewhere just in different words anyway. I am glad I lost the answers sort of. The new answers are at least "different" in some way than all the other interviews I have on the internet.

Public letter to Two Tears Boye about some things that happened on saturday night

Hey TTB,

I went to campus. There was a party there, it is a theme party where everyone wears mustaches. It's called the mustachio bashio. I don't know how I ended up in there. I did.

There was a short period of time where I was completely alone on the dance floor. I mean this party was full-like-a-club-whole-party-pushing-against-party-status. But all my friends had left. When my friends were there I didn't notice much about the other groups of friends, but when I was alone I noticed. I noticed other alone people with shifty eyes, and I tried to contol my shiftyness. I danced continually. Some alone people weren't dancing. I was chanting and WOOing while I danced. I had both my arms up and I pointed to the sides, above the crowd. When I got home I smelled bad, so maybe that dance move was brutal on some people so close to me.

Today was also the fourth annual Bono Day. I don't really care for Bono, but everyone deserves a holy day. Me and my friend walked around telling everyone we saw 'happy bono day'. We sang some of his songs to people. There were mixed reactions. I was sober all night so I had the upper hand on the drunkers bashing Bono. I would get pretty aggresive and close to people, like a heel(bad-guy) in professional wrestling. It is the heel's job to excite people and get them upset. Basically any kind of reaction represents emotional (and in wrestling monetary) investment. (I hate parenthesis, I really do. I try not to use them.)

Well, one kid in a cowboy hat heard us say 'HAPPY BONO DAY!' and he turned and said, 'fuck bono!.' Me and my friend, the golden bear, the golden bear, the golden bear (second part of the Benoit story COMING SOON), went after this kid and said, 'hey!' 'no fuck bono.' We stood real close to this kid. The Golden Bear is a face (good-guy), so we play well, balancing off each other with the poise of a superstar ready to connect with the elbow.
We said, 'what?'
the kid wearing the cowboy hat said 'fuck bono, bono sucks, i hate bono,what has he ever done?'
I replied, 'Bono saved Africa from the ocean!'
The kid in the cowboy hat said, 'yea, so he saved africa and sings songs, so what, why does he get a day. fuck Bono.'
And the Golden Bear laughed about africa v/ ocean. And I looked around. Then I looked back at the kid with the cowboy hat. We went back and forth about Bono for a while. I said, 'its not about bono, it is about bono day. You don't know what your talking about.' I told him that Bono came to this very spot on this same day four years ago. He didn't believe it, but it is true. Bono was there, and he was there long before this kid in a cowboy hat was there.

Eventually, I chased him away. I chased him yelling, 'G Dubs 08, George Dubs 08, G Dubs, G Dubs!' When I chased him I kept my hands in my pockets and pulled my jacket out a little, flapping. 'Vote G Dubs.' Then I laughed standing near some friends. I don't really like George Bush's policies, but I don't think he makes them. I think he is a great face for the public. He is tricky and sly and smiles like you know he knows a secret. It is funny. He has more country-people-charisma than anyone running now. Baraaaak has a different kind of charisma. He is kind of like a stone cold steve austin of politics. He doesn't respect the political scene, he thinks it needs reform, he thinks it is too hidden. If Barraaaack wins I think it will be the attitude era in the white house and the people will go crazy for it. News rating will be up. Or he will inherit a bombs set to debtonate in his hands on the first day. G Dubs would be smiling, sitting at his ranch, laughing a little and thinking how nice it is to be done being president. Either way he will probably do that. Universal health care is stupid. Hillary is in the back pocket of some healthcare people to try that. We have it in Mass. and it doesn't work at all. It is too expensive, that really is the truth. Universal healthcare doesn't work here because people without jobs don't get healthcare, that is just how it works most of the time around here. Having a plan set in place doesn't change that really. Hillary's plan is like a healthcare dictator.

When I was in the party I danced with a girl for a little while. I noticed how much less you move to dance when you are dancing with a girl. I barely saw her face really. But I have gently touched this girl's hips. And I have danced with her in a room full of people, so it is like grinding in a mosh pit full of dancing and grinding people. I don't know why I grinded. I guess I wanted to be against someone because I was alone in the mass of dancing people. I enjoyed it. I like dancing in the group of people but I feel a wierd feeling sometimes, like a stiffness in my back or my arms or my neck. I tried to look her up, because I always have the impulse to contact people I have body contact with. Sometimes I imagine having sex, but sometimes I just imagine contacting the person and saying things that are too true to tell people, not dirty things, normal things. Most of the time I don't contact them. And if I do it is not right, there is odd in the air. This girl was short, I had to crouch a little. Sometimes when the crowd would move I would hold on to her to keep her standing. I noticed her friends pushing her back over towards me through the crowd at one point. She went to smoke a cigarette. Then I left. I saw her talking with her friends. I stood not that far away at one point. I heard someone say, 'that's him?' but I may have imagined it. I walked away. I like to walk away from things and leave it at that. What exists is that I am not sure if her name was meredith or margaret, and the only thing we said to each other was an exchange of names. I am glad to leave it at that. I like the panickedy feeling of what's just behind. And most of my relationships are big time wreck jobs, right up there all over the rocks. But a night of dancing in a crowd where people are dancing together, and the whole crowd is pushing against each other and holding each other up at the same time and there is loving nature in a semi-violence situation, is intimate and memorable. There we are each others sleds while we are falling and rotating, crashing all the way down the mountain, bouncing off trees and jumping into the air sometimes.

Later that night I told a whole room of people the way I felt most of my relationships went. I was describing my faults. A girl in the room said, 'that's mature.' I said, 'ha!' She looked at me. I said, 'Well may not be mature, but it is natural, right now.' I looked at her sitting on her boyfriend's lap. I looked at her eyes, then I looked at her boyfriend's eyes. She said, 'you have alot to learn.' I said, 'Ha!' I pointed at the two of them. I shook my head no and said, 'you have alot to learn.' I imagined terrible relationships all over the country. I imagined four people in one house with horrible relationship. She was telling me I need to learn something about relationships. And when I disagreed I didn't disagree with that. I disagreed with the fact that people who have horrible relationships means they have alot to learn. Like there is some overarching truth that is applied to all relationships that makes them go on and on and on instead of ending. There are personal methods that line up with mental reasoning of the individual, aware and not aware. These methods exist in a situation by situation form. It is all improvised, and there are failures. I may be able to imagine talking to a girl in a romantic type way, but I think impersonal romance is ironic. My type of romance is determined heavily by the person being wooed. One time, few months ago, I read a poem to a girl and it was just the wrong time. She thought I wanted in her pants, I may have at one point, but that isn't why I showed her poems. I tried to lay down with her by being kind and gentle and loving and listen. I still had those things to give to her. When she sent the text message I didn't even think dealing with it was worth it. Because, eventually I was going to end that relationship because of her saying that. We had no chemistry. We clashed. I wasn't totally myself around her. I tried to reply and it wouldn't send. So I just went with it and I haven't talked to her since. She called once but I didn't answer. So, to imply that she doesn't have anything to learn because she is sitting on her boyfriend's lap (and it is a good steady healthy relationship), means to me that she needs to learn in public, outside of the school system, where troubles are everywhere. I see the leaning together. I just haven't been so lucky, pal, give it a rest. And learn about how trouble exists and it is a bigger thing, that surrounds us, inside alot of the people. You know what I mean buddy? Carhenge. Mall of America. Badlands. Hot Springs. Mt. Rushmore. Kanssas?




mall of america

hexapus with teeth wearing a hairpiece and looking at the suction cups that are pink for no reason

I am love. I am the national book award.

When I get the sensation of loneliness I think I start kind of dreaming. Not like surrealist bulshitstyle, but just thinking about various things. I think about people and things that have been said and the social dynamics of the situation and the way I walked through a couple rooms and the way people sat and who sat close to who and who looked and who like that and all the things I should be doing and the cats knocking stuff over and things from a long time ago and people that are gonegonefaraway. I don't think about these things one at a time. I think about one thing until it makes me think of another, then both thoughts exist in my head and I may go into the new thought and return to the old or continue on the new thought. It is an ishouldalike dream that doesn't progress, so much as it repeats with small variations.

Sometimes I feel like it is not lonely at all. I feel like it is partially lonely and partially hungry and thirsty. I keep touching a bump on my elbow that is there from bumping my elbow into the frame of a door. it is a little swollen. I keep touching my left elbow with my right hand, then I continue typing.

And the bottom line is made of proffesional wrestlers. Here is two lines from, 'sometimes i am a little bit happier than tao lin'(COMING IN THE NEXT COUPLE DAYS): I am love. I am the national book award.
Good things have come out of this book. I think it is funny.

The oddest time of my current life is walking from my car to my house late at night. No matter how long I have to walk, it is a special time of the day. It is very early and most of the other people awake are getting up instead of coming home. My natural sleeping times are fucked. I need to move to Hawaii or Japan, eventually. If i did this I would fall asleep at 11 or so, maybe 12 in Hawaii. A little later in Japan. There are other places. These are just the two places my cell phone time zones listed when I looked a while back.

sometimes i am a little bit happier than tao lin is coming out in unison with an interview with tao lin COMING SOON and another book called 'the gospel of tom cruise' COMING SOON I still need more submissions. I am taking it beyond the Tao Lin barrier at this point. I want writing that is made of ease and simple words. If you live in the variety and write about it. Send me. Come back in the next couple days to witness the devestating powerhouse moves of sometimes i am a little bit happier than tao lin. Get out your copy of you are a little bit happier than i am and read along. It is all the poems except the last one at this point. I may leave the last one out. I haven't decided yet. It is the one about the leftover crack concert. It makes me think about a blog like drunk, but instead of drinking and writing everyone is smoking crack and writing.

from The Gospel of Tom Cruise

We walk through the hall passing doorways. There is a part of the flower underground. There’s a sleepy people walking through towns with hats on. Someone stands on top of a building speaking into a megaphone. I yell up to them. I try to yell louder than the megaphone can go. I run up the stairs and the door is locked when I get there. I look at you standing on the ground and shake my head as I walk down the stairs. You walk a little and stop and stand with your hands in your pockets. It’s cool. I lock doors everyday. We stand below the building listening, there is a sound louder than a megaphone. Pieces of building hit the ground. The megaphone hits the ground. More rubble crashes over us like a wave. We are buried under five stories of rubble wiggling our way through the pile yelling to one another. I whisper while metal and glass and concrete jab my body. I can hear the sound of you working through it where you are. The sun comes up and goes down and people are walking somewhere above us. I pass a body that is a little blue and continue. I hear you loudly. You are above me screaming through the megaphone. Pieces of the parts you are standing on fall through the debris and touch my face while I wiggle. I hear your voice for an entire day and I finally climb through and it is nighttime. There is a crowd of people wearing different kinds of equipment. I think about ET and drink water from a cup that is handed to me. I touch your ankles with my forehead. A supernova releases a large mass of energy and detonates far from our planet where a bird touches the ocean with its wing. You are here with me, handing my the jaguar and the lion, down the street from the mall. A box of nails next to a lighter on a counter. I think about seeing you when your not around and I get lightheaded a little and put my hand on my heart and think about the pledge a little while I count my heartbeats, watching the clock. A fire extinguisher attached to a wall next to a door. The car nears the intersection. The right blinker turns on. Someone walks into the road and stutter steps. The driver makes a motion offering. The person stands on the median. The car makes a u-turn around the median. A fluorescent light makes a high-pitched sound in the backroom of the gas station. The mop touches the ceramic, the mop moves circularly. An airplane disappears into a cloud, but there is still the sound of it. The octopus moves alone through the ocean, where it is dark. It gets dark here, too. But sometimes. And that’s enough, because I’m used to it now. I expect it and put my body weight into it to keep from flipping. I am not traveling to the part of the world that is bright all the time. We stir the mix together or I do nothing, and get useless. I watch TV and think about you. One star gravitates mass from another star and expands until it is unstable. A metal bike rack sits on the concrete surrounded by grass. Bill Murray eats chips out of a plastic bowl, he calls a contact from his cell phone. The sun is coming up. There is a tree with no leaves falling over. A bird flies from the tree. Someone slaps this printer and swears quietly. The gymnast’s feet touch the trampoline, then the gymnast spins in the air. Thousands of bats fly out of the cave where the river turns into a waterfall and continues underground. Bottle in a bag in a trashcan, mold on some food in a bowl covered with paper, the new sponges closer to the sink than the old sponges. I will tell you and tell you and tell you because I forget how it gets sometimes. The more I tell you, the more you remind me of. I’ll look at your face near your eyes and move my legs around while I talk to you. But forget it. It’s alright. I spit the rosary out and pick up the chopsticks. I’ll see you around.

some things about autism

I cried a little when I heard the translation. I really relate to that. I got this video from this site. There are some other links there that I have not explored yet.

a grey person experiences t-shirt dejavu

a post that explodes privacy and shows things that we're meant to be hidden and deleted, entire text message exchange from Feb 23-Mar 3

I just woke up from a dream where you and i were eating and someone came and sent me away and sat with you.  I waited on your couch and you came home with dunn.  

To: Kahlihari

Sent: Feb 23, 4:23 am

I went out on the balcony and tried to sleep out there.  I could hear you two.  I hear you say me and you are just friends.  Then I am on a boat.  

To: Kahlihari

Sent: Feb 23, 4:26 am

I am on the boat with a girl i dont know.  Then I wake up, then I start sending you messages about it.

To: Kahlihari

Sent: Feb 23, 4:28 am 


From: Kahlihari 

Oh darling, thank u for the midnight poetry.  I'm about to eat some savory breakfast at max brenner's.  Wish i could feed melted chocolate to you <3

Sent: Feb 23, 12:58 pm


From: Kahlihari 

Hello hello?  I'm leaving new york soon.  Will u call me sometime?

Sent: Feb 24, 11:12 pm


From: Kahlihari 

You wont pick up my call?  Whats going on?  I hope youre ok

Sent: Feb 25, 9:50 pm


From: Kahlihari

Beginning to think u dont give a shit.  Hope i'm wrong.  

Sent: Feb 26, 1:39 am 


From: Kahlihari

Would you at least let me know youre ok?  You might have lost your phone or something.  But i'm worrying so please call me

Sent: Feb 26, 2:12 am 


From: Kahlihari 

You think our relationship is superficial? Is that what I read online?  You cant think of having a conversation with me without thinking about my body? yo

Sent: Mar 1, 10:25 pm

From: Kahlihari 

u want to care more than you can? I'm so lost and hurt i think

Sent: Mar 1, 10:25 pm


That poem on there isnt about anyone.  I was in a room full of people and it has more to do with that than anything.  im sorry i havent been here

To: Kahlihari 

Sent: Mar 1, 10:34 pm


The poems where i talk about you i talk about how it is nothing personal and that it is circumstance.  I imagine you with people physically closer and get scared.  

To: Kahlihari

Sent: Mar 1, 10:37 pm


And i know if i hear your voice i will know what has been happening and i am scared to know

To: Kahlihari 

Sent: Mar 1, 10:38 pm 


From: Kahlihari

I wish you would talk to me... Guess theres nothing i can do.  I guess its bad timing for me and you.  Wish i was there or you were here cuz we'd make love

Sent: Mar 1, 10:53 pm

From: Kahlihari 

all day instead of drowning in fear.  And i'll still hold you close baby, my feeling bout you is severe, guess i just have to wait and hope you dont disa 

Sent: Mar 1, 10:53

From: Kahlihari 


Sent: Mar 1, 10:53 pm


I will call you sometime in the next few days or something.  I just have to be right in my head.  I just dont want to know right now.  

To: Kahlihari 

Sent: Mar 1, 11:13 pm


From: Kahlihari 

K babe.  Dont mean to be harsh, just miss you and wish i could be closer to you so we might get to know each other better.  

Sent: Mar 1, 11:18 pm


Bye, Kahlihari.  

To: Kahlihari 

Sent: unsent

The grey person returns home to find the kitten has turned into a catperson.